41 and counting…

Perhaps I’m the most surprised to see myself turn 41. I have somewhat convinced myself many years ago I wouldn’t live past 40, but somehow here I am. Maybe it’s the constant reminders from people who cared and/or remembered sending me well wishes on this day I wasn’t certain I’ll see, and my many years of questioning my existential existence that leads me question my mortality. The last 2 years have been a combination of painful and a blur. I have lost count of the number of days I wake up wishing I didn’t open my eyes.. the number of days when it physically hurts just to breathe. I have been loaded up with prescription drugs for a solid 2 years, which has been changed several times to adjust for its effectiveness but nonetheless increasing dosage with absolutely no glimmer of possibility that I can get off them in the near or even mid-term future… I don’t understand what has gone so wrong with me, for me to be the only one hating my own existence. Granted, I’m the same child who questioned her own existential existence at the age of 4/5.. the child who feared getting attached to people for fear of getting let down and cheated by death without having witnessed any yet… the child whose uncle tried to kill her with an axe at the age of 3… still the same child who learnt to swallow her tears and shut up because it will only mean being screamed at if I started crying loudly. I don’t think I had a bad childhood. Everything was provided for, we were not well off but far from being poor. I had a good education and never knew what being hungry was. I got almost anything I needed materially. When I knew well enough, I made sure I count my blessings and not take what I have for granted. I think I made good of my life.. materially. That aside, I’m such a horrible mess I’m not sure if I would have been worse off if I had a schizophrenic break like my uncle. Perhaps life might be easier.. and I can’t blame myself in that scenario.

So I spent a quiet day commemorating my birth, contemplating my impending demise, had a dip in the pool and a simple dinner with the family. Without much fanfare but in my opinion rather fitting for the occasion. I live largely in fear of my own demons. To have a day without them wrecking havoc is a luxury in recent months. I have my good days, but it’s volatile. Any slightest reminder or incidence can awaken them. I claim to have found my zen bubble in the last 2 weeks.. existing in the bubble brings me some peace I’ve not felt in awhile, but I’m sorely aware of how much denial I am in of past, present and potential future events. The strength of my denial is positively correlated with that of my bubble. By denying the outside world, I can exist in my little world with some ease.. some bandwidth to let my guard down for a second or two.. some degree of security that I’m protected from the evils of the real world. I understand there’s some good in this world. I am surrounded by some of the best individuals I do not deserve. But there is evil out there patiently waiting in the shadows for me. All it takes is for me to accidentally let my shield down for that split second, stupidly trust the world and believe the universe. Like a patch of dark clouds it will creep up upon me when I least expect it, when I’m vulnerable.. and stab me in the back, claw out my heart, gorge out my eyes and suck out my brains… that, will be the day this blog is published and released to all who bothers to read on all my social media. That will be the day I will finally find peace. That will be the day I can finally rest. Don’t worry, it is a relief for me. Be happy for me. Any tears are for joy, not sorrow. I am not a lose. Hope you will find the happiness, contentment, peace, satisfaction and reward that life has to offer but I never found. It is out there.. I’m just too tired and it hurts too much to hang on trying anymore. Take care of yourselves and have faith.

Happy 41st Birthday to me…

XX: 200719-0055hr: Hi MM, Someone was just telling about having some condition that requires radiation and there is a possibility of the condition deteriorating. She has tendency to have flare for dramatics so I’m less disturbed by this fact than what I will have to deal with should it really happen. I’m quite aware that I fear death and/or impending death of someone or something. But keep a morbidly  close distance when it does happen. You have asked more than once about getting a pet. Easy excuse is that I can’t have one. Truth is I will grow attached to any pet and I have to watch it die. Really not keen to put myself in that position… Stilnox kicking in.. not thinking straight anymore. Have a good day.

MM: 200719-0802hr: Hi XX, That is tough – hope your friend is ok. Totally understand your fear of loosing pet . Not sure we will tackle death at the moment still want life to be more enjoyable for you. Bt maybe you are the type of person that reads ending first. Warm regards.MM

XX: 200719-0924hr: Hi MM, Thanks for your reply. We don’t have to tackle death actually. I am pretty much at peace with my own death. It’s the deaths I have to live to witness that doesn’t go down well..