M…

i’m M… very M…
i dont know why.. there is no reason for mi to..
but i’m M… very M..

was feeling so .. i dont even know what i was feeling..
i juz needed to get out of ofc..
i juz needed some time alone..
i juz needed some air..
in this case… i got sum texas air.. was short.. but hits the spot..

went to cut my hair as well.. cos i needed to do it..
and i had nothing better to do…

i feel like escaping.. i feel like running away… going into hiding…
the scariest part? i hv no idea what im running or hiding from..

Monday..

I realise i dont feel… i cant feel…
well, not totally, but not much..
it seems to me at least that something inside me has..
i wouldn’t say died.. that’s way too strong a word to use..
but something changed.. perhaps not permanently..
but for the time being.. i really dont feel much..

at work, i do what i have to, i do what is required, i do what is expected..
not because i want to, but because i know that will keep my rice bowl for the time being at least..
i eat out of necessity.. to prevent my gastric from acting up..
i dont feel the need to eat, i dont crave for any food.. i eat what is available, i eat what is convenient..
i dont want to do anything.. i dont what to go out.. i dont want to meet people.
i dont want to do anything.. i even stopped reading the comics of the sunday papers.. cos it takes too much effort to flip to the page.. it takes too much effort to read the words.. it takes too much effort to smile if its remotely funny..
i dont feel like sleeping cos i dont see the point in it.. i fall asleep only when fatigue overcomes me.
even then.. i wake up with a jolt several times a night…

what do i feel?
i feel like i am watching the world go by..
i feel my existence is irrelevant..
i feel like i am watching myself go through day by day from a third person perspective..
i feel like i have no control over myself.. over my life..
i feel helpless.. i feel despair.. i feel lost.. yet.. ironically.. i feel trapped..

i see pain.. i see sufferings.. i see heartbreak.. i see loneliness..
i see so many things in the people around me..
people who have been there for me one way or another..
and yet there is nothing i can do to help them..
why am i so useless?.. why do i feel so helpless?..

as i go through the day..
i do what i have to.. i do what i’m expected to..
i cant feel many things.. i dont know what i want to eat..
it doesn’t even matter what i eat..
but there are things i do feel strongly about..
i know what i don’t want to eat..
i feel extreme frustration with work.. so much so i dont know what to do with myself…
i feel a very strong urge to crawl under my office table.. and simply hide there in the dark..
i feel like smashing my mouse on my monitor..
i feel like simply walking out the office and never going back..
i feel like going PW and scream my lungs out to max music..
i feel like numbing whatever i can still feel with nicotine..
i feel liek doing something extreme.. something i wouldn’t have done otherwise..

i watch nonsensical taiwanese variaty shows.. i watch anything actually..
anything that doesn’t require me to think.. anything mind numbing..
i like farm town.. i like the monotenous plowing, sowing, harvesting..
it gives me a purpose.. it gives me an aim.. it preoccupies me..
and best of all.. it amounts to nothing consequencial..
nothing at all.. that i have to be responsible for..

i panic and worry about being late for work when i reach office at 730am instead of 7am..
even though i will still be the first person to reach and the next will only be in at 810 earliest..
i dont dare to leave office before 8 cos it feels like i’m skiving..
i feel redundant at work.. i know i am dispensible..
i feel a time bomb ticking at the back of my head..
i am waiting..

i know i have been extremely fortunate..
no matter how twisted, how sick a joke life decides to throw at me..
it throws me a lifeline as well..
no matter what shit i am going through..
someone.. be it someone new.. or someone from a distant past..
someone will somehow appear at that crucial moment to grab my hand.. before i fall..
it has happened so many times. too many times.. for me to dismiss it all as mere coincidence..

but i digressed…
it is sunday night.. monday morning to be precise..
i can actually feel..
i feel the throbbing of my migraine worsening by the minute..
i feel like i’m being sucked in by the light of my monitor..
i feel the quickening of my breathing..
i feel the tightening of my chest..
yes, that feels about right.. monday is coming..

my throat feels scratchy too.. i wonder…
brain’s cloudy.. dont think i’m thinking straight..
…. watever… doesn’t matter anyway…
really… it doesn’t……

was on my way home yesterday in a cab.. as the cabbie took a turn inside PGP,