Confused conflicted confession…

I’m not sure what is really bothering me.. ok I know what is it, I just can’t pinpoint what about it that is bothering me so much, but like a deprived starving maggot it’s been persistently gnawing at the back of my mind for the last 2 days. I noticed it after I left Dr A on my drive back to Gleneagles to pick up my dad after his second cataract operation. It was easy to dismiss that little questioning voice when I’m preoccupied with watching over him till he’s back home… but when things settle down and I retire to bed, I’m left with my own thoughts and it will start demanding for attention. The great thing about this though, is that whatever scenario I am able to conjure up in my head, are all never going to come true purely because I’ve seen it in my head. And believe me, I can come up with many.. and I mean many many scenarios. So none of those will ever unfold in real life which means there is no danger nor possibility of going down that road. Which is good since my life is a mess as it is.. I’m barely keeping it together. Anything that might remotely complicate it even more cannot and will not be tolerated. I have no capacity either… Also, I can’t see a scenario where there is even a glimpse of it ever turning out well. So there. I’ve put it down here for records. And now that it’s here, I should let it go and let it die a silent death from a life it never did possessed in the first place. A purely hypothetical conjecture that only existed in my head for that brief moment, never to be revealed, acknowledged nor known at all… memory of the notion will soon fade and be forever forgotten in time…. RIP absurd notion. Was confusing yet strangely warm while it lasted…