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Closing in…
So.. more confirmed cases and my company’s first official death from Covid. It is closing in. It’s probably about time to admit that I’m a wreck. I’ve been seemingly nonchalant about the situation since the very beginning. Just another way to keep myself in denial and distant from reality of shit getting real… With job uncertainty since November 2019.. the months of insecurity, anxiety, stress etc, (the denial of tbh) finally came to a head. My body has decided to slap me awake with full blown Dyshidrosis and multiple cold sores that highest dosage of antiviral is struggling to contain just in case my brain has yet to get the message that I’m stressed. I can ignore or pretend that emotional and mental stress doesn’t exist. I can’t look away when the physical symptoms are screaming in my face, and literally on my face. Even my resting heart rate has increased by close to 10bpm in the recent months… Did I also mention how badly my face is breaking out?.. so fine, I get it. I’m stressed, scared, anxious and low key panicking internally every fucking day for months for various reasons. I probably stink up any room I walk into… that why people stay at least 1 meter away from me?? 😅🙄 #socialdistancing #istink
Last night was yet another exciting dreadful long night of dreams… that even consisted of full breakdowns within…. 1) I live in an apartment of next to couple criminals who were found dead and police came knocking to question me and 2 other housemates I was living with. I know the guy I live with killed them but I kept their secret. I live in fear but I reason that he has never harmed me, the guys he killed had it coming and his gf is pregnant. 2) She was threatened and had to go meet someone at a cafe we frequented. She was given instructions to go to the back and take the stairs down opposite the toilet. We went to the cafe. She doesn’t know I know, just asked me to accompany her to the toilet. We reached there and I saw someone chloroform her in my peripheral vision which I chose to pretend not to see, and turned my back to her and to go back to our seats while she was dragged away. 3) Another friend texted to ask me to leave by the back of the cafe. He had all my luggages packed and loaded in the truck, telling me I need to leave now. I got into the truck but instead of leaving, I went back to the apartment because there was something not packed. 4) Night has fallen by the time I was almost done. I was panicking but it seemed very important that whatever it was be packed. 2 of my 5 nephews and nieces was somehow at the apartment. I told my niece to pick out whatever she wants from my things.. because I have no need for them and I will be gone for a long time. Except for 2 specific soft toys. I’ll need them wherever I’m going…….
MM was suggesting that I take afternoon naps to make up for crappy sleep at night… which reminded me of why I don’t take naps. I always wake up scared and crying as a kid… which led to usually shocked awake when I got older. So I don’t take naps unless I’m unwell. I never felt safe enough to sleep anywhere outside either. Not in a moving car, not on the bus… but I do sleep occasionally on long haul flights. Maybe that’s why I would instinctively want to fly when I’m overwhelmed. I don’t know…. new hypothesis. Guess I wouldn’t be able to test this out for a long while…
Other thing of note, is that after taking Stilnox, what I do after that no longer makes full sense and I don’t feel like I’m in full control. Couple of nights I woke up thinking that I ate stuff from my fridge right before gonna to bed. It felt like a dream.. should be a dream, but a check of my fridge proved otherwise. The last night, I bought something online. I woke up thinking I dreamt about buying and if I’m even dreaming about it, maybe I should get it. But a check of my mailbox showed that I did already purchase the item. Not sure what’s happening… is it the dosage issue? Or I’m stressed? Or what? I can’t keep doing things I don’t think I really did the next day….
Cheese..
I wonder what my life would be like if I liked cheese and dairy products…
Ready set repeat…
1) Received speeding ticket in the mail… was sort of a surprise in the dream, like I knew I have been speeding but was not expecting to be caught and fined… you know, felt I was speeding safely, if there’s even such a thing…
2) was trying desperately to outrun something I do not remember, but I was having muscle issue with my right leg. My route keep involving small stretches of stairs. I will be able to go the first 7-8 steps before my right leg becomes dead weight that I will need to try and drag up the stairs. This process repeats itself every few seconds and after repeating for countless times, I realized in my dream that I will not be able to outrun whatever is chasing after me… and all hope is lost…
3) trying to find an escape route spanning countries.. the map I see in my dream is black and white, detailed world map in a bare dim room with a single lightbulb swinging slightly above a big wooden table. Different colored pen marks out areas to avoid… I’m stuck.
4) can’t rem what else… just know that similar dreams have been repeating for last few days and I wake up with a headache, hung over, feeling more tired and drained than before I went to bed. Not looking forward to bedtime…
5) 240320: yet another night of endless realistic dreams… This time about someone in my team.. So.. first part revolves around him helping me at some seemingly big function, kinda like a community event.. details fuzzy now. Should have done this few hours earlier. Second part was of him coming back from a holiday with his best friend. He was being checked at the port customs and he had a pack of smokes with him which was illegal. He slipped the pack to me and I hid it. But he confessed to the guard after awhile. He was sentenced to a year’s jail and had to be tattooed on the back right side of his neck. Which marks him for life. I wonder if this symbol tattooed actually means anything. Last part was of us playing around with a tennis ball at some empty mall that has an open air atrium after he has been released. Was thinking to myself that at least he looks happy now that he’s been released… weird and intense night again. Another day of headache… this has to stop 😦
Guilt
Today, I am very grateful. Grateful that I am healthy. Grateful that everyone I know are healthy. Grateful that I am in Singapore. Grateful that I resisted all my insane ideas that even during non-covid days are deemed unconventional and weird to put it mildly; is currently deemed crazy, verging on a public health risk in my own opinion. I didn’t go through with any.. not a single one of them. I guess deep down, I know it’s not just irrational, it’s also irresponsible as well. I can be and am a risk to myself, but I will not knowingly put anyone else’s lives at risk. I am suicidal. I am not a murderer and I will not be able to live with having anyone else’s blood on my hands except my own.
Today, I am grateful. Grateful to have held it together. Grateful to have a safe place to retreat to that I can also call my own. Grateful to have toilet paper, running water, gas, heating, electricity, every-damn-thing. Grateful to be surrounded by people who notices my existence and health. Grateful to still have a job for now. Grateful to a particular handful of people trying so hard, so generously in their ways, keeping me from drowning at my own hands. What can I say? I am so grateful to be so very fortunate within my existence. So overwhelmingly grateful to have a life many can only dream of; grateful to have the health that’s been brutally stripped from so many with no warning; grateful to actually have everything I have ever wanted or needed materially and more; grateful to be able to feel safe during this global frenzy… pandemic; grateful to literally not have anything of significance that worries or burden me. I am so filled with gratitude… it’s such an incredible feeling I have not stopped to savor in a long time. I have not felt so much inner peace for awhile. I am so thankful and appreciative of all that I have in my life now.
I do not have the words nor capability to express all the guilt. My heinous occult and diabolical crime for hating and wanting to end my existence. I can only apologize for not knowing how to live this life I’ve been gifted with to the fullest nor do I have the capacity to embrace my extremely privileged and charmed existence. I do not expect forgiveness if I’m ever deemed to need one. I just ludicrously hope for empathy, compassion and understanding.. and a lot of support for the people affected because of me. For that, I’m so sorry.
Unrest…
150320: Shush my trepidatious heart… So I really wanted to go for my yolo day trip. Screw the fact that it’s absolute unnecessary expenditure and covid risk. Had a session with MM last night and I mentioned the trip. Not just the trip but also how my idea of an ideal break is to fly and transit from one flight to another and landing back in Singapore again without actually touring any country. I suppose it is yet another one of the weird ideas my brain comes up with that is.. well, I guess uncommon. She thought for awhile and quizzed me on what is it that I’m trying to run away from that requires being within the confines of a metal tube in the air, the being on solid ground cannot release me from. Infact, the quick planning of the day trip on Friday gave me excitement I’ve not felt in a long time. Her conclusion was that thrill came from the element of ‘deceit’ in a secret trip that starts after my weekly breakfast with my dad and be back before midnight; the ability to do something that not everyone can do at a wimp and also I’m bored with my life. There is an aspect of escape and release that being on a flight, cut off from the world that I’m looking for that she cannot figure out yet but in her view, I’m running away from something. We just need to figure out what… I feel it’s the fact that I’m forced to cut off from the world and the proximity; and in the current situation the Russian roulette with covid that’s motivating me. I don’t know for sure. On one hand, I’ve convinced myself I’m immune to it. And if I do get it, I will most likely fall within the category with mild symptoms. And in the worst case scenario should I die from it, I would be absolved of the guilt that could come with suicide attempt. I have nothing to lose… though having said that, I will not deliberately expose myself to the virus. I will not put people around me at risk unnecessarily. My disregard is towards my own life but not that of others. I’d like to die knowing I’m better than that. I hope I am better than that.
I spent a good part of today thinking about what she said. Why can’t peace be found here? What is it that I need release from that I feel being trapped in a levitated metal death tube brings? What exactly am I trying to run from? My life here? Reality? My existence??!?… What??? I have a hell lot more questions than I have answers. Though I did realize something. This realization just gave me another reason to run for the hills. Her dedication, determination and generosity did have a positive effect on me. As much as I have difficulties admitting it to her, I look forward to our sessions. The familiarity and safe space she built for me to unload even the most eccentric and craziest of my thoughts help recalibrate my often uncertain nervous psyche. Recognition and awareness of this dependence awakened a dormant monstrous fear. I have vowed and been actively avoided any form of reliance on anyone. I shielded myself from and avoided all sorts of scenarios where I might be let-down like a plague. It is not that I have no faith in humanity. People are good and have been good to me in general. I just do not trust that I have the capacity for any forms of disappointment. I am getting used to and subconsciously depend on her sessions at a frequency I know is not sustainable. What happens when this stops? It took me a good two years to open up to her… I’ve tried so hard to not become reliant on her sessions. So very hard.. yet again I failed. For my own good, I really have to figure out a way to stop not just the frequency but maybe the sessions themselves. Before i become engulfed and incapacitated by yet another hypothetically predicted disappointment. I will have to leave before she leaves me. Sorry MM. thank you for everything. I know you really tried to save me from myself. I am a mistake and let-down through no fault of yours. Don’t waste anymore effort on me. There are other souls out there more worthy of your time and effort. I’m really sorry to have let you and myself down…. please cut your losses.
140320: To soothe my the anxious energy buzzing within and pacify my soul, I seriously contemplated going on a day trip. One that entails me to fly in and out anywhere and be back by midnight.
120320: It seems I have to be ok with not being ok to be ok..
WIP… to be continued
In an unexpected twist, I was encouraged to share my journey with the ‘world’ in hopes to raise awareness and address the ginormous elephant that’s been begging for attention. As much as my want and desire to embrace his child-like optimism towards humanity within the corporate space, I do recognise naivety when I see it. My façade or mask- whatever you want to call it, is perhaps the most important thing I possess at this point. It is the only thing left that allows me to feel safe and tolerate my futile existence. The mere thought of shedding the pretence sends paralysing fear and chills down my spine. I have depended on it so heavily that it is no longer just an armour nor second skin but my flesh. I live and breath in my false skin so much that it became me… or I became it. The person you know and see now is my ultimate masterpiece, perfected over decades of careful crafting using my own tears and blood.
I do not expect anyone who has never walked in my shoes to even remotely come close to fathoming the gravity of falsehood that engulfs my existence. The dramatization of preceding narrative is not lost on me. It may sound ridiculously theatrical and larger than life, but through my tunnelled-vision, this crushing burden is what life has bestowed upon my perennial existence.
Between my psychiatrist and psychotherapist, I am deemed to be dyslexic with ADD, MDD and PD. That is a lot of D for ‘Disorders’ to be labelled with for any individual but it is what it is. I have been, am still and going to have to keep on learning how to best live with the nuances that comes with being neuroatypical or neurodivergent, its unique superpowers and limitations that differentiate me without being defined by stereotypes and stigmas…
A recent restructure within my department made my current role redundant, and I went with the latter option of taking the redundancy package or applying for a new role. Within the application, one of the questions in the non-mandatory Diversity section asked if I consider myself to have a disability. Even while trying to encompass the concept of Diversity and Inclusion, my corporation has invariably stereotyped disability to be of singular occurrence. I struggled between choosing ‘Cognitive disability’ or ‘Mental illness’, eventually settling with ‘Prefer not to disclose’.
Confusion?!
I somehow managed to get a promotion; a nice increment and a decent bonus. Considering I spent most of last year questioning my existence and trying not to hop off my balcony, it came at me like a giant speeding bubble wrapped cotton ball. I’m so confused as none of it makes any sense at all. I know I’m suppose to be happy about it. A part of me is.. but what just happened?! I’m so confused…
There’s just no pleasing me, is there…?!…..
passing of time... 