Happy Niu(牛)Year

Another year, another 红包🧧

CNY 2021

Year of Ox. We are, you and I ultimately alone.

Heard minimalism is the in thing…

He looks pissed… or just hot from the mask.

Evolved

Lost cause

I contemplated.. like really contemplated. Not to die, not this time anyway. I contemplated how much I am wasting her time. My stories, my problems, they are all the same. They just come and go in cycles of ups and downs throughout the year, with similar themes for each period of the year. How is that not a waste of time? I hear myself whine and question the same few blardy things so many times that I’m sick of hearing it myself. If I can’t get myself out of this self-fulfilling self-inflicted vicious cycle, no one can.

I’m frustrated and disheartened. I’m exhausted. I want to give up. I sit there watching her during our sessions and I can’t understand why she can still sit there and listen to my crap.. the same crap I’ve been repeating like a broken recorder for more than two years… why would anyone do that for me? If it’s because she fears what I might do if she drops me, then I should do the right thing and stop going on my own accord.

To be a burden yet desperately trying to hide it is painful, but not as painful as the guilt I carry for being a burden. I watch myself spend time with family and friends, I hear what I say, I hear my thoughts… I wonder how much of it others hear and see. I know I’m going through the motion, I know I’m “showing up“ the way I think I’m expected to. I do enough not to attract too much unnecessary attention, then slink back into the solitude of my home and my head to lick wounds sustained from being in the outside world.

The questions and doubts come fast and furious.. the fuse is now almost non-existent. I keep pacing along the border that separates me and my other me. The me that is sick and tired of hanging on by a thread.. the me that will give in to any instant relief from reality. The me that wants to be sedated desperately… to be given permission to fuck any sense of guilt and of all responsibility and/or obligation to anything or anyone… to stop fearing I’ll fail everything and everyone… that I’ll basically fail at life. Fail myself. That behind the facade I’ve painstakingly built over so many decades, I’m really nothing… I took the world for a ride. The gig is up… and it’s about time they see me for the fraud I really am. For everyone who have wasted their time on me to cut their losses… I am a lost cause….