I’ll take it

… pair of safe hands – P3 H12019 GJ

190819 update: few observations… I’m productive but very highly strung at work. Office politics is a mess and I’m somehow in the middle of it so I have to be on my guard all the time. This has been going on for the last 3 weeks and I’m at a point where I’m worried that one wrong push and I might go over the edge. Had my first panic attack in awhile.. luckily I was already home. It occurred to me while in the midst of it.. rather this mental image flashed through.. the closest thing I have seen illustrated or described of a panic attack is actually that of a werewolf.. at the point when the person realizes that it’s going to change, and the struggle and internal turmoil of resisting the change.. to no avail. That’s actually the most apt explanation I can think of. The other observation which I suspect is the more disturbing one is… despite the focus and clarity at work, I’m no longer interested in anything else. Things that used to hold my attention even at lower points are just meh to me. YouTube videos, games, social media, online ‘window’ shopping etc are no longer attractive. All I’m interested in after work is to lie down and stone. Preferably drugged out but I’m still fully aware I shouldn’t so I’m not most of the time… anyway, point is I’m tired and I’m not fully certain when I’ll cross the line and things fall apart at work.. or when I’ll give in to that little voice that keeps telling me to fuck it. Funny how these uncertainties start to cloud my mind after I’m made to admit I do not and cannot trust myself at this point. Where was the turning point? How did things end up so wrong… Maybe I was really injured when I was pushed off the table as a toddler.. maybe I was really scarred as a child not just by that incident but just how I’ve been treated… maybe I’m just born different, challenged, ‘special’… maybe my suspicion of being adopted is really true… who knows. I know there will never be an answer to these questions, neither am I actively looking for one. My expectation is set so low that it’s an achievement in itself to not meet them. I just… hope to get by one day at a time without wishing I was never born. So simple yet so easy to miss.. it doesn’t take much to cross that line and I’m so close to it now after being on battle mode at work for last few weeks. Now I fear that I will wake up paralyzed with either fear or anxiety or both and not be able to go work. And my weeks of vigilance goes down the drain. Let’s be honest. I know that will happen one day in near-ish future when I reach breaking point from all these shit. But I just hope to stretch this out for as long as I can before that happens… ☹️

Happy 54th Singapore…

Weird… I made it to yet another Singapore National Day. The last one didn’t seem that long ago… year’s been painfully long yet a blur. At this rate, I’m just going to waste my existence till the day it ceases… the cycles of frustration, anger, disappointment, emptiness… the futility sucks…

Recently my dad seem to have noticed some of my unusual eating and sleeping habits, he mentioned abit about his disapproval of it but I think he knows my temper to know not to probe too much. My temper is usually under control.. but crossing the line of probe will lead me shutting down and/or avoiding him. Guess he understands my temperament to an extend…

Disappointment…

XX: 070819-2126hr: Hi MM.. Couple of things on my mind..
– you said I’m slow to warm.. yes, I tend to dissociate and cut people out. Out of sight out of mind. Hence I can never understand and always amazed that I still have friends.
– you said you feel like I’m testing you.. it’s not the first time you have said that. It’s definitely not conscious but if that’s how you keep feeling, there must be something there… sorry I made you feel that way.
– I thought about what triggered the emotion.. I’m not totally certain though one thing comes to mind. To verbally admit that I can’t totally trust myself stings.
– there were moments I still struggle to differentiate you from the mental image I have of you.. 
– Skype sessions were easy for me because I can have the session with you but dissociate at the same time. I can be present but not present. Can’t do that if I actually meet you. You call me out when I start switching off… 
– I have been swinging between seething anger (yesterday) and overwhelming disappointment (today).. I rationally know and understand that there is a lot of good in this world and surrounding me, yet I feel overpowered by this disappointment that shrouds like the weight of the world on my shoulders. As much as I know it not to be factual, I also feel like I’ve been disappointed by everyone and everything around me and I’m just sad… which is a weird feeling and also weird to me since I have not felt sad for a very long time despite the depression… I can’t reconcile what this is, along with the increasing anxiety and lack of sleep, it’s paralyzing at best. 
I’m really tired MM. I know you don’t think I am making an effort to help myself. Wish I can say you are wrong, but you are right. Perhaps I deserve this. I know everyone have their own struggles that I do not see and I am nowhere near rock bottom of worldly struggles and pain. But selfishly I really wish my existence could be just that little bit easier. Tall order… Anyway, no need to reply.. just needed to let it out somewhere. Thanks for reading. Good night.

Emptiness…

It is strange having this level of clarity at work at last after so many months of drug induced blur… yet it’s accompanied by this unrelenting fear and anxiety in the middle-ground… padded by an whole abundance of nothingness in the background. How this scape and state is even a possibility is in it’s own a mystery trilogy without even looking at the causation, implication and subsequent consequence… just getting my head around the realization of this shit is enough to screw with my state of being? Perhaps that’s why I’ve been just going through the motion for so long.. for I have figured this out at the age of max 5 years old during one of those warm afternoons trying to reconcile my existential existence when other kids my age are learning to color within the lines and draw stick figures. I suspect it’s just an accident that I was missed out in the soul collection… perhaps because they weren’t expecting someone so young to have figured this out and also so willing to lay down her life to preserve the sanctity of it all… and yet here I am still.. forgotten not just by the land of living, but by that of netherworld as well….