Confused conflicted confession…

July 14, 2019 Leave a comment

I’m not sure what is really bothering me.. ok I know what is it, I just can’t pinpoint what about it that is bothering me so much, but like a deprived starving maggot it’s been persistently gnawing at the back of my mind for the last 2 days. I noticed it after I left Dr A on my drive back to Gleneagles to pick up my dad after his second cataract operation. It was easy to dismiss that little questioning voice when I’m preoccupied with watching over him till he’s back home… but when things settle down and I retire to bed, I’m left with my own thoughts and it will start demanding for attention. The great thing about this though, is that whatever scenario I am able to conjure up in my head, are all never going to come true purely because I’ve seen it in my head. And believe me, I can come up with many.. and I mean many many scenarios. So none of those will ever unfold in real life which means there is no danger nor possibility of going down that road. Which is good since my life is a mess as it is.. I’m barely keeping it together. Anything that might remotely complicate it even more cannot and will not be tolerated. I have no capacity either… Also, I can’t see a scenario where there is even a glimpse of it ever turning out well. So there. I’ve put it down here for records. And now that it’s here, I should let it go and let it die a silent death from a life it never did possessed in the first place. A purely hypothetical conjecture that only existed in my head for that brief moment, never to be revealed, acknowledged nor known at all… memory of the notion will soon fade and be forever forgotten in time…. RIP absurd notion. Was confusing yet strangely warm while it lasted…

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MM 110719: distance…

July 11, 2019 Leave a comment

MM: 020719-1805hr: Hi XX , I’ m checking in . Wondering if your eyes got better and if work got more manageable.  We have a skype session booked for July 3rd or July 4th at 7 or 7:30 pm your time. My calendar did no sink with my phone so I dont have an exact date. Did you manage to get a skype id? Let me know if 3rd or 4th works better and which time. Many thanks, MM

XX: 020719-2148hr: Hi MM, Thanks for checking in. You’ll be able to find me on Skype using this email address or Skype name: live:xxxxxxx_1. It will have to be on the 3rd. Can’t make it on 4th because of my father’s op. 7pm was the scheduled time but 7.30pm is fine as well if it is better for you. I’m indifferent. My eye is better, thanks for asking. Work is work I suppose. Just going about the humdrum routine of my mediocre empty existence… I have never been good with being contented. When I was totally broke with negative bank account, it was to build some savings. When I managed to have some savings, it was to build some assets… etc. I have never understood how anyone can look at their life and existence and be contented or comfortable to settle. It’s something that only exist in Fairy Tales that start with “Once upon a time, in a land far far away…” and ends with “… and they lived happily ever after”… 

MM: 020719-2218hr: HI XX, Thanks for your email. see you tomorrow at 7 pm SG time tomorrow . Wonder how that existence could change – not sure how we bring more texture to your life. warm regards, MM

XX: 030719-0026hr: Hi MM, No, I mentioned it not intending for it to be addressed. It’s more statement of fact. Have a good day.

MM: 110719-1905hr: HI XX, Just checking in – wondering how your appointment with Dr A went today. Warm regards, MM

XX: 110719-2012hr: Hi MM, Thanks for checking in. Appointment was ok. He’s not too thrilled that I’m still not sleeping well and have prescribed 2 new drugs-melatonin and quetiapine to take with stilnox and see which one works better. But you are right. He’s a good egg.  I’m better this week on the whole.. found my zen bubble and I’m staying in it for as long as I can. Hope you are well there.

MM: 110719-2050hr: HI XX, Hopefully the melatonin and the other meds will work. A zen bubble is good . have you decided on a vacation destination? Warm regards, mm

XX: 110719-2126hr: Hi MM, Yes, it’s somewhat peaceful inside the bubble. No, I don’t have anything planned for July yet but I have tickets for Perth Royal Show end Sept and a London/Scotland trip in Dec.. Bothers me slightly that it’s not somewhere I’ve not been to, but it’s already a win that I planned anything. Though nothing’s really planned. Oh I did go somewhere new come to think of it.. went to Kuching couple months ago. Ok I feel better now… still not sure about July…

MM 220619: Fated…

June 23, 2019 Leave a comment

XX: 220619-1333hr: Hi MM, as it turns out, all good intentions are thrown out the window… someone clipped my car and I’m doing insurance claim now.. pic for your admiration of the fate of my car… 🤣✌️

MM: 220619-1340hr: Hi XX, Crap that does not look nice . Are you ok? All road lead to Rome. You will eventually get your computer, keep me updated on plan B .  Maybe you are right it wont be till Monday. I ll check in later tonight. Warm regards MM

XX: 220619-1655hr: Hey MM, I’m fine, thanks for asking. More the inconvenience this causes that is annoying. Feel bad for the fella who hit me though… noticed that it’s his birthday today and he’s driving a brand new car. Pretty sure he’s having a worse day than me… Funny thing is, I was just thinking to myself I need pay more attention to my driving as I was emm well.. speeding and being abit of a rubbishy driver while exiting CTE. And this happened right at the traffic light when I exited. And yes, it’s gonna be Monday. 😬 Sky opened up and I’ll be with my dad most of tmr… excuses. Yes I know.. I’ll stab myself come Sunday night. But I feel pretty good now though. Could have been much worse, but I’m warm and dry in my comfortable home alone-that’s a good thing. My Grab lunch arrived despite the rain and I have Netflix and no more plans for the day. I cancelled few things but don’t feel guilty about it… so I’m just going to savor this feeling while it lasts. Thanks for making sure I’m covered for the month you are back home. I have my wretched moments but I recognize and appreciate your efforts. Have a good weekend! 

MM: 220619-1706hr: HI XX, Happy you are well and thanks for emailing . What a gorgeous plant. Glad you are savouring your afternoon and eating too. Can you let me know how you are on Sunday – I know you have managed this before . Monday will probably be crap but I know you have a plan. Keep me posted . Warm regards, MM

XX: 230619-2221hr: Hey MM, just want to let you know I’m fine. Tomorrow will suck but I’ll survive somehow, not sure how but somehow. I know I won’t see you for approximately 6 weeks, but can you take my word that I’ll be ok? It does worry me that you brought up breaking confidentiality again so rest assured I wouldn’t risk giving you any reason to. I don’t want to be your burden to carry. Also have an appointment with Dr A on 11th July so I’m good. Remember to take care of yourself too MM. Enjoy time with your family, have a good break and safe trip.

MM: 240619-0748hr: Hi XX, Thanks for your email . Good luck today – break it down to 2 or 5 or 10 min chunks . Let me know how it goes – I know you can it will just be overwhelming at times.  I thought we agreed that you would skype me ?  So we will be in touch over the summer . My skype id is martinealliance . I m ok not to skype the week you see Dr A but that will depend on how you are doing. I will enjoy my trip , thanks for the well wishes. I ‘ m expecting an email from you letting me know how you managed today. I will be in sessions till approx 8 pm tonight so wont be able to respond right away . Warm regards, MM

XX: 250619-0116hr: Hey MM, Checking in. I think not only am I mentally trying to avoid work, physically my body is actively trying to avoid work as well. Eye swelled quite badly for no apparent reason and the GP insisted I go A&E cos my vision was affected. So I’ve spent the last 8 hours here. It’s only now I’m wondering why did my Shenton GP specifically send me to SGH A&E… my wait could have easily been halved had I gone to a private hospital. Obviously wasn’t thinking and just following instructions blindly… Anyway I’m fine. Given medical leave for rest of the week till my follow up appt on Friday. But I’ll be going in.. my work is literally piling up. Even with my mastery of denial and compartmentalization I don’t think I can sit at home and not panic. 

Yes we did agree on skype. I’m just have second thoughts about it… And I’ll have to set up a Skype account… which I will when I eventually have to. 

MM 120619: Fear…

June 23, 2019 Leave a comment

XX: 120619-1810hr: Hi MM, Been awhile.. I’m fully aware I just saw you yesterday but somehow email feels different. Woke up questioning wtf am I doing with my life which is obviously the ‘best’ way to start the day. Again wondering if throwing in the towel at work is the right way to go. I know you don’t have the answer, neither do I. Took way too much effort, will power, coaxing and lying to myself to force myself out of bed and come to work but I made it here.  Irony of stopping work is.. you’ll become too expensive for me, so will the $7.20 per day 20mg pill, which is definitely not in my best interest… I might even have to sell one of my property just to lower monthly expenses.. I know I’m looking at things as if I’m not going to get alternative employment, but realistically I cannot see what else I can do. Think my point is, I get what you pointed out with regards to the source of my anger and frustrations towards things… What I can’t deal with is the futility of Groundhog Day.

MM: 120619-1943hr: Hi XX, Thanks for your email. Sounds like not great day. I don’t have the answer and I hear the frustration.You are right medication and seeing me gets expensiveI know it’s not really about the money but it is. . It must feel like another double bind. I’m so glad you told me you were afraid of me. Did you have more thoughts about that? If more stuff comes up let me know . Warm regards, MM

XX: 120619-2333hr: Hi MM, Hope you are well. The day wasn’t particularly worse than others. I look forward to the drug induced break from being awake.. it’s the highlight of most days, but not what the morning brings. Just getting exhausting having to wake up to the same dread day after day. Took me awhile to tame the anger, and few more days to process what happened and differentiate you from the recurring you I see in my head. I was conflicted about bringing it up to you for obvious reasons… Didn’t realize it would be of much interest. I don’t deny that I still have the mental image in my head and I have to consciously remind myself that it’s not real… I’ll should be able to block it out soon-ish. 

The mental image reminds me of my elder brother’s O-levels art project which depicts a tortured human figure on its knees, trying to pull away from the ground that’s pulling its skin away, exposing the muscles and becoming one with the molten ground. Face skywards, eyes and mouth hollowed and head almost skeletal from skin and flesh being pulled away to the ground.. in yellow, orange, red and black background. That was the first time I realized he had a darker side underneath his mellow disposition. He’s usually very mild and easy going. It takes a lot to piss him off but if he snaps it’s worst than my father. He’s the only one who will eventually scream back at my dad and walk away if my dad scolds us for too long. Me and my younger brother we just stand there mute till he’s done screaming and it seems safe for us to walk away. Except for one occasion. My younger brother was either 6/7/8yo and getting screamed at by my dad. My dad said something about him being a “bad boy” for something and my younger brother was crying but retorted that my dad is “more bad because you smoke”… my dad lost it and picked him up like a rag doll and almost folded him in half. My mom and aunt had to stop him.. I don’t remember my younger brother ever said anything when being scolded again… My dad mentioned more than once that he had to stop himself from losing his temper at us for too long at times because he’s conscious that one of us might snap and have a mental break like our uncle (my father’s younger bro) and become schizophrenic.. especially my older brother. Bright side is we are all past the usual age range of that break… but I digressed. Would be nice if I could find a picture of the art work.. I really liked it.

Back to you. Yes I’m afraid of you. I’m aware you were asking me some questions and I was just saying what you wanted to hear so I can get out of there as soon as possible. I was seething with anger but you intimidated me. I was scared and felt trapped like an animal but I couldn’t even look away from you. Now that I’m articulating it, it sounds bizarre. Add the recurring image of the whole room turning dark and all I see is a tunnel vision of you glaring at me… If it hadn’t happened to me, I would have said this person totally lost it. Maybe I have lost it… it is a very thin line between sane and insanity after all… You said it’s transference and to think about who it might be… I don’t know. Tho that’s partly because I don’t really want to think about it. There’s not been many adult figures in my life now that I’m thinking back… so it shouldn’t be hard.. I’ll give it more thought tomorrow. Brain’s fried. Good night. Still surprised and don’t get why this deserved a “I’m so glad you told me you were afraid of me.”… and excuse the mindless ramblings…

XX:170619-1613hr: Morning MM, It’s no longer morning anymore but it was when I started this email. Intended for my weekend to be free but it turned out busy-ish. Couple of observations.. 

– turns out my father is exactly like me.. or I’m exactly like my father. He has to go for his cataract op and he would much rather he make his way there and back himself, than having me take leave to accompanying him. He finds that having me take leave is more burdensome than doing it himself. Which is exactly why I don’t ask people for help. 

– my younger bro injured himself at home on Sunday. Since the wife don’t drive and he can’t drive himself, he simply refuse to go get it looked at and he doesn’t want to trouble anyone. His wife called me to help drive him there and he only conceded because I was already at his place waiting before he found out. And he reluctantly let me drag him to the doc then A&E.

Just find the coincidence of incidences odd. Today I stepped into office, sat down and before my seat is even warm, I took my laptop and came home. Been staring at my monitor for the last 5 hours. I am so going to be employee of the year. Work scares me. I know I just have to break it down into manageable parts. But I can’t bring myself to do it.. I’m just useless like that. Fear strikes through me every time I hear an email notification on my work phone… I know it’s stupid. I know I’m procrastinating the inevitable. I know no one can help me but myself. I just don’t have it in me to do it…or maybe I just don’t want to do it. I don’t know… maybe I’m just digging my own grave.. as much as I appreciate you not giving up on me yet.. sometimes I don’t understand why would you waste your time on me.. not every soul is worth saving… 

XX: 210619-1006hr: Hi MM, Saw Dr A yesterday. Seems he wants to talk to you. Just to let you know it’s ok with me. Thanks

MM: 210619-1436hr: HI XX, Thank you for your email. I haven’t heard from him yet. Wonder if you did feel that your brother was a burden? Yep, that frustration of being stuck and knowing that things have to be done can be paralysing. I actually do not think you are useless at all . Sometimes things get too big in our heads and we have trouble figuring out how to get started even when we know we can. We judge ourselves and the circles continues. How the dosages medication stabilised ? See you tomorrow . Warm regards, MM

XX: 210619-1533hr: Hi MM, Thanks for replying. Dr A just said he was going to. Perhaps he changed his mind. No, my brother wasn’t a burden. He’s my kid brother and no matter how old he gets I’ll always see him as somewhat my responsibility. He’s a good kid anyway. Strangely Dr A mentioned something about his age yesterday. I have an idea he’s abit younger than me. Just that when he brought it up, I suddenly see him in another light… he’s like my kid brother. Anyway he wants me to continue 20mg for awhile and see how that goes. Guess I’ll have to be waking up suffocating for awhile more.. fun. See you tmr….

My worst Critic…

June 11, 2019 Leave a comment

Saw MM after couple of weeks.

I’m my own worst critic… or protector.

I have a lot of goodwill with everyone, even those I offend when I act out.

MM said I have a lot of goodwill with her… I was quiet for awhile and laughed softly.. everyone has a ledger.. history, trend, audit trail which can’t be wiped clean. I have done this twice and I’ll do it again… MM just kept quiet.

In the last 10 mins.. I finally told MM the reason why I shut down at the end of the last session was because of fear. I was intimidated and scared of her and all I wanted was to get out of there. I was angry and I felt she was angry with me and that scares me. I was very angry but scared and trapped… When I think back to the session, the surroundings is all dark and all I see is her. MM thinks that it’s transference and asks who I was scared of. I have no idea..

MM made sure I understood that the 17yo me is not stronger as I assumed… She asked if I knew why A asked me to join her session with MM. I said so A doesn’t have to repeat her session and we can continue talking from there. There was nothing she said that I didn’t already know. MM said that it’s unusual that a friend wants another to join. She asked if I was present during the session and I told her that I know what was going on and what was being said but I was having my own session in my head… She just concluded that A trusts me a lot…

I’m fantastic!

June 5, 2019 Leave a comment

I unwittingly blurt out I’m fantastic! when MM caught me off guard and asked how I was. That’s a practiced response I use in the office when I’m caught spacing.. After abit of awkward apology, she asked if I was still employed. For some reason I heard her ask if I’ve imploded which could be closer to the truth than it seems…

It’s a public holiday today. Finally a day I do not have to dread waking up to… I did nothing. I could have done a lot of things but I simply do not want to. The day is almost ending and the fear is setting in. The ringing is getting deafening despite the background noise. I wonder why. You question why you keep forcing yourself to go to do something that sucks whatever life left in you daily just for the pay. I know most people do not love their work either but I just can’t understand why it is so painful for me… MM forced me to admit that other than meds and seeing her, I have not made an effort to do anything else to change my life.. so I do not get to say I’m sick and tired of trying cos I basically didn’t try at all. I flipped when she said that. She was factual, I do not deny that. I do not blame her for anything. It just increases the self loathing because I can’t get myself to do anything to help myself. Useless piece of shit…. now I have to figure out how to face another 2 days of work while resisting the temptation to resign every second I sit in the freezing office… FML

Don’t understand or see what the point of this existence is anymore… Hate my life. Hate my existence…

WTF is wrong with me…

May 31, 2019 Leave a comment

MM: 300519-2111hr: HI XX, The admin advised that you cancelled all your appointments. I have to admit I was surprised. I thought we had build a reasonable amount of rapport that you would at least write to me or let me know. On the other hand I am happy that you got to quit as you have been wanting to quit work and quit doing things you didn’t like ( eating the same food with your Dad) you took some power back and that is a good thing. Although, I respect your decision and every client can choose to cancel whenever they see fit. , I wonder if this is the best decision for you at this time? I actually think there are few places that you are fully seen and I tried to connect to you as a “human being” not a “human doing “. I hope you will reconsider. I sense you are angry, frustrated and disappointed and a lot of it is directed my way. No sure it all belongs to me but I totally get that I contributed. I’m truly sorry that you did not feel heard or understood on Tuesday, that is my bad. More importantly I’m sorry you do not feel this is working, I asked admin to hold your appointments till Friday in case you changed your mind. However if you don’t please do not hesitate to contact me if you ever want to strart again. Warm regards, MM

XX: 300519-2259hr: Hi MM, I’m not sure where to begin.. so in random order: – I was surprised by your email because I thought I wrapped things up. I remember intending to drop you a note after replying admin but obviously I didn’t. I did remember our agreement. No excuses there. – I cancelled because I was angry.. very angry, somewhat embarrassed and scared. I don’t deny most of the anger doesn’t belong to you but it was directed at you because you are the only one who sees it. For that, I truly apologize. I knew it was misplaced even in the room but I had no control over the anger the moment it overcame me.. which it did for a long time. – I recall you saying something about me shutting down at the end and you asking if I knew I shut down. I was replying you but my head wasn’t in the best of places… – I emailed my old boss of my intention to resign yesterday as well, signed my resignation letter and all. Got ‘bitch-slapped’ and told to go home and calm down. So as of today, I’m still somehow gainfully employed. – Aside from stopping my meds, canceling our sessions is possibly the worst decision, followed closely by resigning. So yes, you are right about it not being the best decision. I see it now. I know I’m self-destructive and self-sabotaging at times… this is a new level of volatility and destruction. My plan seemed to make perfect sense yesterday though. Again, I’m ashamed and sorry for taking it out on you. I had absolutely no right nor excuse for it… I don’t know why you tolerated it but thank you for doing so and for being there.

MM: 310519-1112hr: HI XX, Thanks for your email. no matter how angry you get with me please don’t stop your meds. I think the anger is good and let’s work it out. I want it to be a safe place where you can get angry and we figure out the triggers. I asked admin not to cancel your appt so can I tell them that you changed your mind? Let me know how to proceed. I’m also attaching some grounding techniques that we worked on before that might help as you ride this wave. warm regards, MM

XX: 310519-1159hr: Hi MM, I’m not angry with you per se but you got the brunt of it. For that, I’m really sorry. Yes, keep my appt. Apologies to admin and you for the inconvenience caused… Obviously I failed at whatever power I tried to take back and I’m back to square one. Story of my life… Thanks for tolerating my nonsense..