Happy 2019…

January 1, 2019 Leave a comment

This might be the most accurate article I’ve read over the years… or maybe it’s closest to heart at this point in time.

https://www.buzzfeed.com/alexisnedd/things-nobody-tells-you-about-being-depressed

2018 left and 2019 came with zero fanfare. I hid at home for Xmas, I did the same for new year. I can’t deny it. It’s just too much work and energy to go out, act like a human being and face the world. To say I hate my life is abit harsh but I’m definitely not terribly pleased or trilled to be going through it unfortunately.

I suspect I might be at one of the lowest I have ever been.. it’s not that a lot has happened in 2018. In fact it’s been a very bland and painfully uneventful year. I struggled to wake up daily to go work, I struggled to make it through every single work day and crawl back home exhausted only to repeat the same shit the next day. I’ve spent the whole year drugged up on fluvoxamine, Stilnox and Xanax. Everyday was painful yet a blur. I was numbed yet in pain. I hated my mere existence but I don’t even have enough motivation to end it all. Life possess no meaning no future no purpose. I do not want to hurt and complicate or screw up other people’s lives just because I’m screwed up.I’ve not decided if I wanna go back to see MM or not either… 2018 really left me defeated. MM has introduced a lot more variables into the equation than I can handle. Just tired.

Resolutions is crap.. so 2019 will be simple: Do what I want to not what I feel is right. Sounds simple, but it’s impossible for me. I know.

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2018 Xmas: Let me go…

December 26, 2018 Leave a comment

So Xmas 2018 came and went with me literally doing nothing. Woke up to my elder bro sending birthday cake and celebratory emojis to the chat group, which I followed along with my younger bro. I suppose this has become our way of reminding each other of her birthday without needing to kick up a huge fuss about it. I was given half day off from work which I was supposed to go meet my friend for some last min Xmas shopping. I blew her off with some lame excuse.. actually I told her the truth. Just said I wanted to go home. Which luckily she was quite happy to let me be. I bought enough food to last me for the day or two and went home to stare mindlessly into the TV set. I don’t know why it was hard. It wasn’t that I am remembering her death nor was I remembering her presence. I was just spacing out. I didn’t have the will power to deal with anything resembling human contact, nor do I have the energy to act like even a normal human being. I just want to lie there, in my own filth, have nothing going through my head at all and to just fade away. I just want to not feel anything, do anything, be anything.

I know I’m taking more and more meds to just numb myself out so that it’s easier. I’m just exhausted to exist, to even act normal. I don’t want to have to get up and show up for the world. Why do I have to put myself through the pain of trying to put up a front for people? Why do I have to appear normal, happy and present? I just want to disappear, slip away and not have to fucking explain anything to anyone. To just lie there and fade away. I don’t want to do anything, feel anything at all. If I am given a choice I just want to… strangely I’m not interested in death. It complicates things it hurts people it is messy. I just want to not have existed, to just disappear from people’s life so it doesn’t create any issue.

I’m tired. If I can, let me get some rest. Real rest… and hopefully when I wake up, I won’t be anyone’s issue or have existed in anyone’s life. Then it wouldn’t matter to anyone what happens to me. Cos I don’t care what happens to me as long as I can get some peace and quiet and some rest. I’m just so tired. I can’t keep on doing this… I don’t want to… please let me go… please…

Got this as a Xmas present. Think people are starting to notice my distance or.. lack of presence. Just a matter of time now..:

MM: 17 Dec 2018: Last week…

December 18, 2018 Leave a comment

XX: 18dec18-1515hr: Hi MM, Couple of things in no particular order…

1) just want to be clear, you didn’t give me the feeling that you feel obliged. You really didn’t. I just don’t want to be anyone’s obligation/burden. I understand you are trained to differentiate and you can be concerned without it being a burden or affect you outside of work. I am the one who cannot differentiate.

2) you explained what you missed: my pattern of bringing up unrelated things at the very end – perhaps I didn’t feel safe enough to bring it up at the start or even to address it. That it’s your job to notice it when I start panicking. I don’t see how you could have noticed everything. Some maybe but not all for sure… but to be honest, I still don’t know what is it you really missed.

3) you asked if I expected you to just tell me to have a good life when I dropped you the note and I said yes. It is NOT because that’s the kind of therapist I think you are. It’s more simply because I just don’t expect people to stick around unnecessarily. And in this case, I announced my intention to stop, hence terminating any responsibility/obligation for you to maintain our client relationship. I know I’m not the easiest of clients to deal with… and if I’m in your position, I would much rather spend my time with a client who is open, willing/can be changed and not one who is reduced to a babbling mess every single time. One whom you can see some improvements week on week. As opposed to me…

4) you mentioned that part of the reason for the questions was you would like me to acknowledge that there’s some level of resistance from me and take ownership that part of me don’t believe that this is going to work… I’ve been as open as I know how to be so far. I don’t know what more is there that I can let go or not resist at this point…

5) somehow I feel like I need to confess that I took Xanax before I went to see you in the morning. I know you don’t like meds, I’m not proud of my reliance of it either… It doesn’t make sense but it feels like something I should tell you, not that it helped much obviously…

I think ultimately my question is, do you think it is worth us continue trying? Or does my perceived resistance makes this method/approach pointless? My instinct is obviously to run, but I also know my instincts cannot be fully trusted on certain things. So I would like to know what your professional opinion is. Please be reassured that I will be fine regardless what your view is, and I will respect it. Also, take your time. I don’t need to know till next year anyway. Thanks for reading and have a good break over the holidays. XX

MM: 18dec18-2125hr: HI XX, Thanks for your email. I just wanted to let you know I received it but will respond in next few days . I know you said I could take my time, I hear you. Warm regards, MM

27dec18-2255hr: MM has not replied. I know I’m going down the rabbit hole fast. What should I do while I can still hear my voice of logic…

MM: 3jan19-0701hr: Hi XX, Happy New Year, wishing you a good year filled with deep connections, health and joy.! Sorry for the long delay in getting back to you I have had some technical issues with both my email and my wifi.

I do think it is worth trying and I think it’s important that we work on grounding techniques and on understanding the anxiety more so that if the anxiety attack comes you can manage that feeling . This is a process and I know you know that it will take sometime before you feel real benefit. I try to be as transparent as I can with my clients so if I thought it would not work I would tell you.

I want to clarify another point – I am not against medication but I want to us to find other tools that might support you as well.

I look forward to seeing you next week. Can you takes sometime before next session and re-identify what are your goals are in therapy – how will you know this is working for you? We talked about this in the first session but now you have a clearer way about how I work. Wondering also if it isn’t too difficult or re-traumatizing for you can you tell me which part in the book “The body keeps the score “ was most upsetting and difficult to listen to. If it is too much don’t worry -don’t do it.

I would also like us to consider doing EMDR can you read a bit about it and let me know what you think?

https://www.healthline.com/health/emdr-therapy

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/emdr-what-is-it#1

warm regards, MM

XX: 04jan19-1807hr: Hi MM, Happy New Year! No issue on the delay. I understand the importance of grounding, just that it bores me. But I do know it needs to be worked on. 

I’m not proud of my reliance on medication but it is the only thing that’s keeping me from getting fired and also cos I’m very aware of the fact that this is the longest I have been on them but I’m also the furthest from being able to be off any of them.

I’m fine with continuing as long as you think that it’s worth trying and that you will let me know if you feel it’s not working anymore. I don’t really trust my judgement at this point unfortunately. As for my goal for therapy.. I know I can’t and I don’t expect miracles or magic. I know it will take time. I suppose it would be a good start if I stop dreading and questioning my mere existence. Baby steps ya…

It’s not that it’s difficult but I’m not keen to reread/relisten to the book at this point. Let’s revisit this couple of weeks later? I’m open to EMDR.

Also, you might have to start from scratch or at least backtrack abit with me. I might have somehow forgotten.. don’t remember much of what we have gone over. It will come back to me soon enough once I’m back on track I suppose. 

Thanks for replying – I can’t remember when is the scheduled session but I’ll check with admin…

MM: 12 Dec 2018: The exchange…

December 16, 2018 Leave a comment

XX:11dec18-2238hr:Hi MM, As promised, I’m dropping you a note to inform you that I’ve decided to stop our sessions. Thanks for everything. XX

MM:12dec18-0639hr:HI XX, Thank you so much for your note and I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to help. You know my door is always open and if you ever feel like you would like to come back you are welcome to. I’m wondering for my own benefit what I said yesterday that triggered your decision to stop. If you could let me know I would appreciate it. It was a real privilege to meet you, I mean that. Please don’t give up on therapy there is someone out there that you will click with – it is possible to live differently. Be well, XX. Warm thanks, MM

XX:12dec18-0648hr:Yes, it was what you said yesterday.

MM:12dec18-1154hr:Thanks XX – I’m not sure exactly what I said but if you ever want to explore it, let me know.

XX:12dec18-1655hr:Hi MM, Didn’t have the time to reply you earlier. For your benefit.. Extract from my blog:

Updated 12th Dec 3pm: She made me promise to drop her a note should I ever decide to stop the sessions, so I did. She would like to know what did she say to have triggered this decision for her own benefit… so what was it?.. I came out of the room a mess but that’s nothing new. As I made my way back, my throat started closing.. the anxiety attack totally caught me off guard. Why? What brought it on?…

You: you asked if I thought this was working for me, if any part of me is even moving, that we can move just slightly. Cause if we can’t then you don’t want to waste my money as this method is not working. You want what’s best for me.

Rational Mind: you are assessing if any progress can be made or this is not working for me and I could benefit from some other method or from someone else. No point perpetuating futility.

Me: seems like you don’t know what to do with me anymore. More than once you seem stumped. After leaving the place, your questions took center stage in my head.. panic sets in as I realized that though it’s only after such a short time, I considered you one of my lifeline. But when you asked me the above questions, you also made me realize that you can and you will eventually abandon me like all other lifelines in my life. I cannot and I shouldn’t allow myself to become dependent.

I know it’s rubbish logic but the fear is real to me and I’m doing what I’m best at. Running away. The decision left a surprisingly big haunting void. But I’ll live… Thanks for the light you have shed.

MM: 12dec18-1721hr:Hi XX, Thank you again for your email truly appreciate it. Rest assured I am not stumped at all and I will not abandon you until you are ready to leave .or unless something unfortunate would happen to me . You can trust me to get you to the other side . I ask questions so we can explore what is working . Thanks for trusting me it means alot . My door is still open If you think you can try again come back   . I folow my clients we co- create so I’ ll always ask questions . Don’t mistake questioning for feeling stumped. Think about it , Warm thanks, MM

XX:12dec18-1819hr:I fully understand why questions are asked. I can see you have picked up and hung up on the word stumped as well. I’m not saying you are, similarly I know asking questions is vital – so says my logical mind. I’m just saying I don’t know what it is exactly but whatever it is, it triggered ALL my primal flight responses… as unbelievable as it sounds, I’ve not felt such fear in quite awhile…

MM:12dec18-1933hr:Hi XX, I hear you and that sounds really scary. I’ m really sorry I missed that. The last thing you need is to feel unsafe. Please let me know if I can help in anyway . I’ m so sorry that happened. I wish we could have processed it so you could experienced it differently. I know I have said this before ( and you pick up when I repeat the same thing). I hope you’ll try again. I‘m really grateful for your honesty and for sharing with me. Warm regards, MM

XX:12dec18-2206hr:Hi MM, Nothing to apologize for. I did start to panic in the room when you started asking the questions near the end of the session.. but don’t forget, I’m well practiced in disguising certain things… The avalanche only hit me after I left the place so no, you didn’t miss anything. It was simply a retarded response on my part to god knows what… Also, you really don’t need to feel obliged to help me. I’m not your problem anymore the moment I step out of the counseling room.

MM:13dec18-2058hr:Hi XX,I’m still sorry that it happened and that I missed it. I’m not sure if it is your experience in general with people or the experience you had with me at AAC but I read your last lines and I’m confused. I don’t feel obliged, I want to help and I do care about my clients ( that means you as well) and I am concerned about you. Once again I really appreciate your honesty , I’m genuinely sorry I left you with that impression. It is very helpful feedback. If I can help please let m know, Warm thanks, MM

XX:13dec18-2112hr: No, AAC has been great to me so far. You have been a lot help. It’s not that you gave the impression of being obliged. I am just in general uncomfortable to have anyone do anything for me because they feel they have to and I’m asking you not to feel like you have to… really don’t be sorry. I honestly can’t see what’s there for you to miss.. don’t take it to heart please… I have my issues.. I know some of them. You are aware of some of them as well.. I keep the world at arms length and can’t bring myself to ask for help or accept help..

XX:14dec18-0747hr:Hi MM,Replied the previous in the middle of an office event and clicked send accidentally before finishing it…Anyway I think this is going nowhere at this rate. I’ll check to see if the Monday session I cancelled is still available later… let’s try to figure this out if the slot is still open. Thanks for replying my multiple emails. Appreciate your time.

MM:14dec18-1014hr:HI XX, Thanks for your email. I think a client is waiting for 8 am but I did get a cancellation for tomorrow at 11 . Best to check with the office as they will have a better idea. I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to let me know what is happening. Hope to see you tomorrow or Monday, warm thanks,MM

XX:14dec18-2136hr:Hi MM, Managed to get 8am. I think from my end, I want to understand why you keep apologizing and what are you apologizing for cos I don’t see what you could hv missed…

Sometimes I do get some cheap trill out of poking MM to see what comes out. I suppose I should stop doing it. She is after all human as well and has her good and bad days. I have made her quite defensive and/or frustrated with me on a couple of occasions which as amusing as it is for me, I know is not good for either of us. I should and will try to stop doing it going forward should I decide to continue with the sessions…

MM: 11 Dec 2018: Abandoned again…

December 11, 2018 Leave a comment

Updated 12th Dec 3pm: She made me promise to drop her a note should I ever decide to stop the sessions, so I did. She would like to know what did she say to have triggered this decision for her own benefit… so what was it?.. I came out of the room a mess but that’s nothing new. As I made my way back, my throat started closing.. the anxiety attack totally caught me off guard. Why? What brought it on?…

You: you asked if I thought this was working for me, if any part of me is even moving, that we can move just slightly. Cause if we can’t then you don’t want to waste my money as this method is not working. You want what’s best for me.

Rational Mind: you are assessing if any progress can be made or this is not working for me and I could benefit from some other method or from someone else. No point perpetuating futility.

Me: seems like you don’t know what to do with me anymore. More than once you seem stumped. After leaving the place, your questions took center stage in my head.. panic sets in as I realized that though it’s only after such a short time, I considered you one of my lifeline. But when you asked me the above questions, you also made me realize that you can and you will eventually abandon me like all other lifelines in my life. I cannot and I shouldn’t allow myself to become dependent.

I know it’s rubbish logic but the fear is real to me and I’m doing what I’m best at. Running away. The decision left a surprisingly big haunting void. But I’ll live… Thanks for the light you have shed.

Stumped a few times. Feels like you don’t know what to do with me anymore…

I live in fear of guilt; picking up the pattern of behaviour from my Mother, ie staying out of guilt because I feel I’ve let her down. Behaviour using illogical reasoning; making decisions that we think is best for other ppl is not necessarily what’s right; I’m not making any choice/decision; Am I afraid to be happy?; sometimes ppl who live with tyrants don’t want to be happy because when we are, they’ll try to destroy our happiness; we don’t show we are happy so we don’t get disappointed; He is Passive Aggressive, so am I but I learnt from the best; Am I a good person?; Non-answers-interesting; I am on a small sampan and I need to stop pulling a big boat filled with my guilt/dad/mom before I sink and die; I need to face the fact that I cannot pull them to shore; don’t think I’ve don’t anything to deserve to be happy; We normalised childhood experience/bad behaviour; what I’ve experienced is not normal; Do I use my guilt to not live a life?; Is that little girl still looking for acceptance from her dad?; bring back the little girl who died when her mom died. But the world is a ugly cruel world, why would I would I want to bring her into it? You said because I’m here to protect her. I wasn’t able to before but now I can; vulnerability is not allowed in the family; patterns in me are very deep set… we have to risk making changes to the way we interact, risk finding joy and happiness; we have to own our happiness and success…

BrainPicking: Joy of brokenness

Brene Brown: Vulnerability/Shame and new book about leaders in company

Homework: How is this guilt benefitting me? Write a letter to my mom and bring it. Ask for forgiveness for the guilt? – you need a witness to your life. I am your witness.

Updated 11th Dec 8pm: I was drained when I walked out of there. But as I started the journey home, anxiety grew… so much so I started to choke. She asked if this was helping me at all that if it is possible for me to even budge from where I am. Cos if it’s not, she doesn’t want to waste my money. And maybe we should stop the sessions. That we should be doing what’s best for me. I’d like to think she meant what she said but that voice in me tells me she doesn’t know what to do with me anymore. More than once today, I found her sitting there speechless. She’s trying to figure out what to do, what to say and she has nothing. She’s stumped. I suppose I am more work than it’s worth. I suck the energy out from the room from her and it’s probably a torture for her to get through the hour. Which is fair.. I do have that effect on people. But I suppose what I realized is, I have after such a short time.. considered her one of my lifeline. I assumed my lifeline will be there for me whenever I need her. But what she said today made me realize that she can and she will eventually abandon me like all other lifelines in my life. I cannot and I shouldn’t allow myself to depend on her and and let her have that power. I should just end this as she has suggested. And so I did. Thanks for the light you have shed. I have learnt new things about myself, some good some I’d rather not have known. But things happen for a reason. I’ll just have to wait and see what the reason is in time to come… if I ever do.

I don’t know why the tears can’t stop. I suppose it hurts to be abandoned again. It does feel like I’ve lost something and a part of me did die along with it. She made me see things I’ve not seen before and probably would never have otherwise. As strange as it sounds it hurts and making the decision to stop the sessions has left a void that is not only hauntingly empty, it’s painful as well. Why is it that all my lifelines let me down? Why am I always abandoned? I suppose the problem lies with me if I’m always in the middle of it. I suck. Being me sucks. Life sucks.

MM: 26 Nov 2018: No offence…

November 28, 2018 Leave a comment

I said I wanted you to fight me. Prove me wrong. But seems you feel that you have been very direct as opposed to how I felt, that you try to coddle me and manage me. But you have been very direct, you were worried you might have been too direct. But you felt I also need “Compassion”. Seems my face changed the moment the word is mentioned. Cos I don’t practice it with myself. Thoughts I made up and believed to be the truth about what I felt would have been what she would hv wanted has kept me prisoner all these decades. They are thoughts I have made up and I have been living with them as if they were the truth. You think I’m used to people coming down hard on me. And you are trying to find the balance btw Challenging and having Compassion for that kid who was so scared. I’m a prisoner of my own unproven thoughts, I’m trying to repair what I have done/not done with my mom? Do I have proof that I’ve let my mom down? Did I? Or do I just think So?… As a kid I’ve always been told to suck up my feelings and deal with it. Even when my mother died, I was told “it is ok to grief, but do it in private”. That I am also living my life believing that his words are gospel and I live my life with his rules. After last week, I went back and thought about it and I realised that the reason why I hate being late is cos I panic when I’m late. “Panic is related to thought. What is the thought?”… Fear.

Earliest memory of fear; panic that I hv done something wrong. “You are so scared..”

Schema Therapy… bringing me back. Interesting fact is I wouldn’t leave with someone safe in my memory. Part of me still fights with the rational part of my brain. A part of me is not allowing you to protect me.. but why would I? No one has ever protected me in my life so why would I believe anyone can/would?

“No offence” x 2-3 times… why?

He made all of you feel very small and insignificant. Made us terrified of him… his pure rage. We are not allowed to waste his time, disrespect him. Person that’s suppose to be protecting and loving me is attacking me. So I don’t feel safe. I don’t know what safe is. There’s a part of me that always feels there’s something wrong with me. I’m terrified of him yet I want his approval and hence the constant conflict within. But I normalise all these. Is this not normal? A part of me is traumatised, and I am stuck at that stage. My dad can’t hurt me anymore. I’m an adult. But there’s a part of me that still wants to make sure nothing goes wrong so that he doesn’t react. My body is reacting to hows it’s been densities sensitised to react to trauma.

I live in fear and I apply it to many situations without realising it. Eg when GJ screams at other people, my body still reacts to it even if it’s not at me. He’s a bully.

你手断了? 你脚断了? 你妈死了,我还没有!

Exposed, sort of violated.. when you brought me back to when I was 4-5 years old to face that forgotten fear…

I have no patience nor compassion for people who whine over things I consider to be trivial. Hysterical colleague who went on and on about something – sensory overload. I simply shut down. Pissed off by whining of inconsequential/superficial things by others.

I think of the Perth Royal Show as my happy place. I just don’t understand why whenever I think of it my head will conjure up this really dark place with seemingly sinisterly jeering gypsies in foreground, empty bright carousel going round and round in the background… I know that’s not what the place is and that’s not how I have experienced it but that’s how my head sees it.

MM: 22 Nov 2018: Compassion & forgiveness…

November 22, 2018 Leave a comment

Then again.. whoever said life needs to be lived? Perhaps we are all put here just to suffer through this existence.. maybe the notion that I can be, should be, ought to be, is allowed to be happy is a mere self-entitlement. What gives me the right or privilege to demand or expect to be happy?

You said I trivialize/ minimize things and what makes me think that people who have gone through worse childhood than me are not currently worse off? And you are right. I assumed I’m the only one suffering. That I’m special that I deserve better. But I don’t and I shouldn’t expect my state to be any worse off than others. Privileged assumption of only my own suffering. To be so narrow minded and not see the pain of others…

I can and I have compassion for myself. Perhaps it’s that compassion that makes me miserable. If I had not gained this compassion for myself, perhaps I wouldn’t be so miserable now since I would still be blind to my own pain. The irony..

You asked what goes through my head when I’m late. I realize panic. I panic when I’m late… I speed if I’m driving.. my heart rate increases I get impatient… and frustrated. I don’t like being late.

You want me try.. try to have more compassion and forgiveness for myself. I am already much more so than before. Compassion is not weakness in my books. It’s pity. Self-pity. Awww you poor thing. I don’t deserve pity. I grew up blessed with things too many wish they had growing up. May not be a silver spoon but a spoon nonetheless. I feel like an ungrateful piece of shit, whining about first world problems when there’s ppl out there dying of hunger every day.

I noticed I keep using “inadequate” on myself.

You said you feel sad for me. You feel compassion for me but that does not equate to weakness. To me I see it as pity. I don’t want to be pitied.

I know I’ve said a lot of things abt my father. But he’s not a bad person. He does try now… he’s great with his grandchildren. Baffles the hell out of us, his children but good for them.

Fight me. Prove me wrong. Convince me I’m wrong. I want to be wrong. I don’t want to be coddled. You don’t have to keep making excuses for me, for what I’ve done or not done. I should take responsibility for it, be it the child or adult me who did it.

You feel I’m angry at you but I’m not. I’m angry at the world I’m just angry. It’s nothing personal. And of all people, not you. You have done me no harm…

I’m beginning to forget and scares me. You asked if I ever wrote a letter to my mom.. which I’ve never I think… you suggested I try.

Be careful what you wish for. I wanted to be able to go out with my friends on Xmas eve and not go celebrate her birthday. You said I didn’t make it happen and it’s a normal thing teenagers want. Why do you keep making excuses for me?

I was late for 10 mins.. you gave me extra 30 mins and charged me only for an hour. I asked if you were sure and you said it’s a decision you made. Thank you. As much as I push people away, I do appreciate compassion. I see it as pity but it’s still something.. so thank you.