Closing in…
So.. more confirmed cases and my company’s first official death from Covid. It is closing in. It’s probably about time to admit that I’m a wreck. I’ve been seemingly nonchalant about the situation since the very beginning. Just another way to keep myself in denial and distant from reality of shit getting real… With job uncertainty since November 2019.. the months of insecurity, anxiety, stress etc, (the denial of tbh) finally came to a head. My body has decided to slap me awake with full blown Dyshidrosis and multiple cold sores that highest dosage of antiviral is struggling to contain just in case my brain has yet to get the message that I’m stressed. I can ignore or pretend that emotional and mental stress doesn’t exist. I can’t look away when the physical symptoms are screaming in my face, and literally on my face. Even my resting heart rate has increased by close to 10bpm in the recent months… Did I also mention how badly my face is breaking out?.. so fine, I get it. I’m stressed, scared, anxious and low key panicking internally every fucking day for months for various reasons. I probably stink up any room I walk into… that why people stay at least 1 meter away from me?? 😅🙄 #socialdistancing #istink
Last night was yet another exciting dreadful long night of dreams… that even consisted of full breakdowns within…. 1) I live in an apartment of next to couple criminals who were found dead and police came knocking to question me and 2 other housemates I was living with. I know the guy I live with killed them but I kept their secret. I live in fear but I reason that he has never harmed me, the guys he killed had it coming and his gf is pregnant. 2) She was threatened and had to go meet someone at a cafe we frequented. She was given instructions to go to the back and take the stairs down opposite the toilet. We went to the cafe. She doesn’t know I know, just asked me to accompany her to the toilet. We reached there and I saw someone chloroform her in my peripheral vision which I chose to pretend not to see, and turned my back to her and to go back to our seats while she was dragged away. 3) Another friend texted to ask me to leave by the back of the cafe. He had all my luggages packed and loaded in the truck, telling me I need to leave now. I got into the truck but instead of leaving, I went back to the apartment because there was something not packed. 4) Night has fallen by the time I was almost done. I was panicking but it seemed very important that whatever it was be packed. 2 of my 5 nephews and nieces was somehow at the apartment. I told my niece to pick out whatever she wants from my things.. because I have no need for them and I will be gone for a long time. Except for 2 specific soft toys. I’ll need them wherever I’m going…….
MM was suggesting that I take afternoon naps to make up for crappy sleep at night… which reminded me of why I don’t take naps. I always wake up scared and crying as a kid… which led to usually shocked awake when I got older. So I don’t take naps unless I’m unwell. I never felt safe enough to sleep anywhere outside either. Not in a moving car, not on the bus… but I do sleep occasionally on long haul flights. Maybe that’s why I would instinctively want to fly when I’m overwhelmed. I don’t know…. new hypothesis. Guess I wouldn’t be able to test this out for a long while…
Other thing of note, is that after taking Stilnox, what I do after that no longer makes full sense and I don’t feel like I’m in full control. Couple of nights I woke up thinking that I ate stuff from my fridge right before gonna to bed. It felt like a dream.. should be a dream, but a check of my fridge proved otherwise. The last night, I bought something online. I woke up thinking I dreamt about buying and if I’m even dreaming about it, maybe I should get it. But a check of my mailbox showed that I did already purchase the item. Not sure what’s happening… is it the dosage issue? Or I’m stressed? Or what? I can’t keep doing things I don’t think I really did the next day….
passing of time... 